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home : commentary : shesaid November 19, 2017

Ladies Against Women
Mrs. Matthew Black, aka Shannon Drury

" Doesn't anyone worry about her husband being the first male First Lady? Poor Mr. Clinton! How would he feel next to Mrs. Justin Trudeau at one of Mrs. David Cameron's teas?."
- Shannon Drury

by Shannon Drury

Note: the president of the local chapter of Ladies Against Women, Mrs. Matthew Black, threatened to reveal the trash TV in my Netflix queue if I didn't let her have my column this month. I disavow everything she writes here, just like I deny ever binge-watching "Tattoo Nightmares."

Though I object to this magazine's title (to be taken seriously, it should be "Minnesota Ladies' Press"), I am eager to use its pages to discuss this year's presidential election. I know the Bible and common sense recommend that politics be left to husbands, but so upside-down is the current political climate that I must make my opinions public.

As my daughter reminds me daily, there is a chance that Mrs. William Clinton might be elected our nation's first female president. I order Miriam to wash out her mouth whenever she utters such vulgarities, but the tang of Ivory soap fails to dampen her enthusiasm. Now she says she wants to follow in Mrs. Clinton's low-heeled footsteps. Nonsense! She should do exactly what that disgraceful woman once implied was beneath her: stay home, bake cookies, and have teas! If my daughter were the first female partner at her law firm, a state's first female U.S. Senator, and the first female to win a major party endorsement for president, my heart would break in two!

All this "first female" business gives me a rash. Why should there be a first female anything? Doesn't anyone worry about her husband being the first male First Lady? Poor Mr. Clinton! How would he feel next to Mrs. Justin Trudeau at one of Mrs. David Cameron's teas?

I wish this meant I could enthusiastically support her opponent, Mr. Donald Trump, but such is the topsy-turvy nature of this year's race that I cannot. The Clintons may have violated a Biblical principle or two in their day, but at least they are still married! Mr. Trump changes wives as often as I change Buicks. I can't trust a gentleman who says he wants to curb immigration but marries Eastern European models. The former Miss Melania Knauss stole a job that should have gone to an honest, hard-working, all-American gal. Build a wall around your heart, Mr. Trump!

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The harridan who usually writes this column reminds me that this election is about more than the personalities dominating the headlines. I agree. This election is also about returning to old-fashioned American values, like ensuring that women's health clinics have wide hallways! Lawmen in ten states have decreed that these clinics have larger corridors than other outpatient clinics, like ones that perform colonoscopies or Lasik eye surgeries. The shrewish columnist says these laws unfairly target abortion providers, forcing them to close, but I believe these laws are prescient: hoopskirts are coming back, ladies! I for one can't wait to bust out my grandma's old bustle!

In troubled times, I always turn to the words of Mrs. George C. Riggs, better known to some as Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm author Kate Douglas Wiggin. In 1913, Mrs. Riggs wrote a message to Congress that declared: "It is even more difficult to be an inspiring woman than a good citizen and an honest voter." Congress didn't listen and went ahead with their plan to give ladies the right to vote, starting the cultural downward spiral that gave us Mrs. Kanye West. Ugh.

I urge each of you to embrace inspiring womanhood by rejecting good citizenship: pledge not to vote this November! Your husbands will thank you.

Shannon Drury is a loathsome trollop tolerated by her husband and children in Minneapolis.

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