Leadership requires self-care EmergingVoices: Marcia Hyatt sees self-care as a critical act of leadership
Ginny Belden-Charles and Marcia Hyatt
I see a difference in how I function when I feel calm and centered (AKA full of self-care). I can listen and I don't need to take everything personally.
by Marcia Hyatt
My dear friend sat across from me, unable to stop the flow of tears. With her young children, stressful job and an old house to take care of, she was really, really tired. I knew she was depleted, and asked what she did to take care of herself. "There isn't time," she protested. "I am too tired to even read at night." The more questions I asked the more defensive she became; she did not see any choices.
It has taken me years to fully understand that self-care is a critical act of leadership. Self-care used to be lower on my priority list: After getting groceries, completing my work, making meals, running the girls around, keeping up the house ... came me.
I took a funny sort of pride in noticing I had not peed all day at work or in bragging once that I was too busy to cook decent meals. Somehow I thought these sacrifices made me a better leader. But the opposite was true. I overreacted and "sweated the small stuff." I cringe at some of the petty battles I participated in at work: gossiping about people or fighting to get my way without thinking about the impact.
I am taking baby steps in self-care and am still vulnerable to jettisoning it when duty calls. Like many women, it is hard for me to put myself first. I share the unspoken belief that taking care of work or taking care of others is more important than taking care of myself.
But, in reality, we impact other people's lives by how we show up. If we are depleted it is much easier to let our gremlins rule the day. Each of us has a reactive pattern when our buttons get pushed. I easily become emotional and defensive. Several of my friends react by withdrawing; others stuff down their emotions and get very, very rational. Some accommodate. One gets angry. These are all equally dysfunctional patterns.
Often I am able to think about how I want to respond. The last few weeks my commitments have far exceeded the time in my days. It was stressful and I was grouchy. The smallest problems set me off. Even though "I didn't have time," I set a timer and then sat in silence for a while. I noticed my brain felt like it was full of buzzing bees. After sitting for only 10 minutes, the bees quieted down. My thinking was clearer. And I didn't feel agitated anymore.
It doesn't take much investment in me to see the returns. Taking time for a few self-care practices in the morning makes my buttons less pushable and changes the quality of my day. Self-care is different for each of us. One of my colleagues takes a long bath every night. I usually work out or journal or meditate every day. I know there is a lot more I could or should do. This is a work in progress; making gradual changes means they are more likely to stick.
I am not striving for perfection. I just want to be a better me, family member, co-worker, leader. And it seems the more I tend and befriend myself, the more I can show up as the leader/person I aspire to be.
