12/17/2003 Toddler rage and tantrums at GOP politics and policies
Haddayr Copley-Woods
This week, I thought: "I'll write about politics." After all, Bush The Usurper is single-handedly destroying decades of environmental litigation and legislation (turns out mercury isn't all that bad anymore). Pawlenty is calling for the death penalty, his eyes on higher office. Republicans across the nation are gerrymandering for even more power. Lots of material. But all that came out was an incoherent: "Republicans are bad! Democrats are wimps! Gay people won so ha ha ha in your face, right-wing nutbars! Pffft!"
I'm a 5' 5" toddler. I think my son is getting to me.
A few weeks ago, Arie had his first no-holds-barred tantrum. Parents reading this will not be surprised that it involved mittens, it was in public, and when I got back in the house I wanted to throw every parenting book I'd ever read out the window. No. Through the window.
We were on the way to the park; Arie wanted his mittens off. A feminist who believes in natural consequences and allowing little boys to express themselves, I pulled them off. Still attached to the string through his jacket, they dangled in a cute fashion from his wrists.
He did not think this was cute. He thought it was maddening. He sat down in the middle of the sidewalk and howled.
"Arie, calm down," I said unhelpfully, trying to remove the mittens from a now flailing, howling, flopping little whirling dervish. Finally, in my single most impressive achievement to date, including birthing Arie, I removed them. Arie stopped crying, although he remained seated on the sidewalk, eyeing me suspiciously.
"Look," I said. "No more mittens. See?" I hung the mittens around my own neck. This gesture undid Arie completely. He arched his back and began banging his head on the sidewalk.
I scooped up Arie, receiving bruise #1 in the shins; I headed homeward at a brisk pace. Arie flung himself backwards, shrieking. He then began, somehow, to cartwheel through the air while remaining in my arms. How he did this is difficult to describe, but it was definitely painful and caused bruises 2-5.
To cross 15th Avenue I had to crush him to me in a manner which could possibly have been described as child abuse by any number of people, and then somehow got the door open. Inside the house, after rolling on the floor for a while, Arie climbed up on me. Because I am a sensitive nurturer (read: SUCKER), I felt he could use some comforting and lifted him up on my lap. Arie narrowed his eyes, reared back his head, and headbutted me in a breathtakingly expert fashion. (Bruise #6 for Mama, #1 for Arie.) While I sat stunned, he took the opportunity to pinch and twist my face.
It got worse after that.
As Arie continues to, er, express his growing independence, my husband Jan and I have tried to deal with him in ways our parenting books tell us are good: explaining why, affirming his feelings, reflecting his frustration, letting him express his rage in healthy ways that do not involve rending flesh. In the end, what seems to work best is working together. One parent secretly keeps an eye on him to be sure that he doesn't actually harm himself, and the object of his rage just ignores him‹walks away and picks up a book.
I wish I could do that with Republicans. Unfortunately, ignoring them in the hopes that they'll go away doesn't seem to be working very well as a Democratic strategy. Neither does reflecting their emotions back at them‹Democrats seem to become Republicans this way, like Joe Lieberman has.
I think Arie loses it when it becomes clear to him that The Powers That Be (his parents) aren't going to do what he wants, or he's deeply scared, or he just doesn't think he can take it anymore. Perhaps this is why I am feeling so infantile right now about politics: they feel out of control, I am terrified by the hard right this country seems to be taking, and I know that despite their smooth assurances, the Republicans are not looking out for my best interests the way I am for Arie's. The thing I need to remember, though, is this: Arie does not get his way when he has a tantrum. And neither will I.
Most important: the best way for any of us to deal with a toddler (or a political party) which has gotten completely out of control is to work together.
Haddayr Copley-Woods is a writer and graphic designer who lives and works in Minneapolis's Powderhorn Park neighborhood.
