My wake-up dream EmergingVoices: Marcia Hyatt reflects on the struggle to follow her heart’s calling
Ginny Belden-Charles and Marcia Hyatt.
Following my heart's calling is more like a struggle between titanic forces in my body: the heart's whispering and the head's logic. It usually manifests itself in grumpiness.
by Marcia Hyatt
I was startled awake. I had a dream my heart was weeping pus. The dream happened while I was teaching at an international conference. I was deeply honored to be invited. However, I was the only one of the teachers not presenting her own work. I was presenting the work of my mentor and friend.
At this time in my life I made a good living. I was more than competent at my work of facilitating leadership development. Yet, my heart was longing for something more. My head was just as heatedly arguing for sticking with what I knew. But with the dream image that had Velcro-ed itself to my conscious mind, I could not ignore my heart. When I talked about my work life, I would cry. Clearly my heart knew something had to change.
I have been through this before. The words "following my heart's calling" conjure up beautiful Disney-like images-birds singing, mice sewing my clothes, food appearing magically on the table. In my reality, following my heart's calling is more like a struggle between titanic forces in my body: the heart's whispering and the head's logic. It usually manifests in grumpiness.
Years ago I had a good job at a company with good benefits. And I was numb, tired and cranky. When I talked about the company to a friend he said, "If you feel that way, why do you still work there?" Good question. I was longing to start my own business. Did I have the courage?
At that time, I visited a friend on the North Shore. I stared at Lake Superior wondering what I should do. The lake answered for me. As I watched her lap the shore, I clearly heard, "If you stay where you are, the best of you will die." And within a year, I was out and started in my own consulting business.
Three years later, the business was going just fine but I found I kept longing to be in the country. I put up a bird feeder and did more walks along the river, to no avail. My head kept telling my heart to shush up. It was not practical to do my consulting from the countryside. I thought that I needed to be in the city. And again, I noticed I was irritable, as if my life was wearing size 10 jeans on a size 12 butt. So, my husband and I bought land, not too far out of the city. It was practical, commutable and beautiful. But when we learned all of the land surrounding ours was to become a housing development, we knew it wasn't right for us. When we asked ourselves "where do we REALLY want to live," we both said Grand Marais. When we opened up to that possibility, houses were sold and bought with ease. Work now included a longer commute. I did not mind.
So, imagine my surprise, living in this beautiful place, doing work I care about, and then to have the dream that my heart was weeping pus. You would think with my past experiences I would trust my heart and follow her call willingly. But alas, I resisted. I knew how to teach my mentor's words, but what were my own words to speak about? What if I had nothing to say? And, who did I think I was anyway? These thoughts made me feel that I was 13 all over again. Time to grow up. I wanted to move beyond my fears and focus on what I wanted to create.
At first, I had no idea what that was. So I made more time for reflection. To keep my left, logical brain from drowning out my intuition and feelings, I did creative exercises. I played with image cards and learned "sand play." I put the pen to paper, writing for 20 minutes without lifting the pen. And I found people who listened so quietly, I could hear my own voice. I got clearer and clearer about the focus of my work.
I am thankful my vivid dream that reminded me I need to pay close attention to my heart's messages. Like a child, she was telling me the truth and throwing a tantrum when I wouldn't listen. And she knew life is too precious to not live it fully and too short to wait. So, I continue to shift my vocation as I calm down my head's worries and listen closely to the whisper of my heart's calling.
