It's my turn EmergingVoices: Marcia Hyatt is learning to hear her true voice
by Marcia Hyatt
One day when I was 9 years old, I heard the approaching clang of the ice cream truck. My
mother hurriedly gave me money, and I ran out of the house as the truck passed. Not knowing how to make it stop, I ran behind it. After several blocks the driver finally stopped. "How long have you been chasing me? Why didn't you yell?" he asked. Out of breath, I had no answer.
I was taught not to call attention to myself. Don't wear loud clothes. Don't speak too loudly in public places. My family is mostly of British descent. When I visited England, I did not think the British were uptight, I thought, "These are my people!"
It has been my aspiration for years to live out loud. And yet, under certain circumstances I find myself unintentionally activating my mute button. For example, I recently attended an ad hoc learning group. Every woman made a presentation within the 30-minute time allotted; some, like me, gave up their slots so there would be room for others. Every man made a presentation, all going over the time. I should note these are thoughtful, sensitive people. Yet no one named what was going on; most didn't even notice.
When I talked about this pattern with my writing group, one woman shared a conversation she had with her husband years ago. His vocation takes him away from home for long periods. Frustrated, she asked, "When is it my turn?" He replied matter-of-factly, "When you take it."
Well, first you have to see the option to take your turn. I want to be seen as "nice." I don't want to be too pushy. Fear of judgment is my self-activating mute button. The fear-of-judgment voice comes up in the most mundane situations. Recently I was driving down a dirt road in the rain; my car was stuccoed with mud. I thought about stopping at the car wash. Then the inaudible voice popped out. "But it's raining, what would people think? Won't you look stupid?" I caught myself with those imprisoning thoughts. I could logically say, "Who cares?" Yet that little voice was trying to keep me safe from judgment, as if it were a "real" threat. It has tried for years to avoid negative judgments.
A few years ago, I learned what it is like to be hated. I spoke out on a difficult issue. It felt like something had to be said in the meetings, not in the halls afterward. Several friends advised me to leave the group quietly, but I didn't. Clumsy but earnest, I took a stand. And my worst fears were realized: A few people hated me as a result. I cried about this, talked about this, tried to make sense of this and I still felt like crap. A wise teacher told me their judgments could not touch me unless those judgments were already embedded in me. Of course! That inner judge was the one who kept telling me I was not good enough.
Ironically, that hatred became quite freeing. I learned that I could not control how others judged me, and started to learn not to make that my focus. Instead, I am learning to show up as myself, warts and all. And when the little judge voice can be heard, I try to soothe her, "There, there, thanks for trying to keep me safe." She quiets down and the volume of my true voice gets a little louder.
Emerging Voices is the third in a series of columns by Ginny Belden-Charles and Marcia Hyatt. They are business partners at Waterline Consulting, which supports leaders and organizations in creating their intended future. www.waterlineconsulting.com.
Reader Comments
Posted: Monday, December 18, 2006
Article comment by:
Elaine
Dear Marcia, What a WONDERFUL article! It speaks to exactly what I am going through right now and haven't put into words - but you did it for me. Being "polite" is sometimes just a code word for knowing our "place." As women, rarely do we step out without permission - something men rarely wait for.
