1/28/2004 Create a kin connection: Mother and son find support and friendship through mentor program
Kelly Westhoff
Early on in Lisa Larson's pregnancy, it became clear that her son DeAndre's father wouldn't be around to help him grow up. At the time Larson was a manager at the Levi-Strauss store in the Mall of America and was fairly open about her impending status as a single parent. One day an employee brought her brochures about Big Brothers Big Sisters, a program that connects children with caring adult volunteers.
The idea struck a chord with Larson, whose mother died when she was a child.
Larson remembers being overwhelmed by the generosity of the adult volunteers. "I couldn't believe that somebody would take time out of their busy life to do that‹to be a mentor," she said. She was so impressed that she squirreled away that information, saving it until the time was right.
Larson doesn't know what happened to that employee who gave her the brochures, but she's grateful for the advice. When DeAndre reached school age, Larson dug out those papers and went looking for a mentor: someone to provide her son with a steady relationship, someone he could turn to for advice or help.
It wasn't so much that DeAndre didn't have male role models, Larson said: he did.
Both of his grandfathers are involved in his life. But at the same time, she insisted, "I wanted Grandpa to be Grandpa and to have that be special."
Kids 'n Kinship, a mentoring organization that operates in the south metro area, paired DeAndre with a mentor who lived just minutes from his Apple Valley home‹but instead of a father figure or a big brother, DeAndre's mentor turned out to be an entire family.
A family connection
The Kalbs‹Dawn and Dave and their two sons, Connor and Shane‹met DeAndre in August 2000 and they've been getting together three or four times a month since. "We try for once a week," admitted Dawn Kalb, "but sometimes it ends up every other week."
The Kalb boys, ages 6 and 9, and nine-year-old DeAndre have plenty in common. They play games and DeAndre has gone with the boys to their grandparents' farm. The boys run through corn mazes and try their hands at ice fishing. Every Christmas, Dawn Kalb said, the boys make gingerbread houses together, and one of their favorite pastimes is playing floor hockey in the basement.
"DeAndre," Dawn Kalb explained, "is just a part of our life now. This whole experience has had such a positive effect on our family." She is so enthusiastic, she urges other families to join a program as mentors. "You don't have to be a perfect family to do this," she stressed. "We aren't, and we love it."
That's a lesson that Larson took to heart. Not long after DeAndre began seeing the Kalbs, Larson decided she too wanted to become a mentor, and she wanted to mentor a girl.
Larson hopes to have another child some day‹hopefully a daughter. But being a single parent and working mother is challenging, and she's not ready to become the solo parent to a second child. Larson thought becoming a mentor would satisfy her desire for a one-on-one relationship with a young girl.
Three years ago, Larson became a mentor for 11-year-old Kalli. The experience has been rewarding in ways Larson never expected. "As a mentor, I got to meet a girl that I could spend quality time with, someone who was so excited to see me every time we met just because I was there," Larson explained. "That is very rewarding. You really realize what your time means to a child."
Larson spent three years with Kalli doing "girl things": getting manicures, baking cookies and shopping.
Larson managed to plan DeAndre's time with the Kalbs during the same time she met with Kalli, a somewhat amazing logistical feat, considering the families' hectic schedules. "It's still amazing to me that three families could come together like that to make the mentorships work," Larson said.
DeAndre accepted his mother and Kalli's relationship, she said, and didn't get jealous. "It was a wonderful learning lesson for him to see that there are other kids out there who are in similar situations to his, that there are other kids out there with only one parent," she said.
Kin for the long haul
Kalli's family recently moved. Larson has spoken with her a few times over the phone, but distance has made it difficult for their relationship to continue.
Looking back on the experience, Larson said the most rewarding part was watching Kalli "grow into a young woman who talked about college and a future career." During their time together, Larson said she stressed to Kalli that she could do anything she wanted with her life. "I don't know if she got that at homeŠthat she could do anything," Larson explained. "And in the end, it was fun to see her expand her horizons."
Larson was disappointed to see her mentorship with Kalli come to an end, but she hopes she had a lasting influence. And she's already eager to begin a new relationship. Recently, Larson met with Kids 'n Kinship organizers to consider potential matches. One girl in particular caught her eye and Larson is hopeful the 12-year-old's father will agree to the match.
Larson readily admits she already feels kinship. "She doesn't have a mom and I know what that's like. I need to take herŠespecially now when she is at this age. You know, she won't want to go bra shopping with her dad."
The match hasn't been finalized yet; all Larson can do is wait. But even if it doesn't go through, she plans to pursue another mentorship, she said. She believes too strongly in the program's benefits‹and the good she can do as a mentor‹to quit altogether.
In the meantime, Larson is confident that DeAndre has found lasting friends in the Kalbs‹and she has as well. After three years in the program, the two families now share birthday and Christmas celebrations together. The Kalbs, Larson is certain, will be a steady presence into the future. This friendship, she said, "is going to be for the rest of our lives. There is no doubt."
